Friday, December 31, 2004

Posting to be delayed, due to big motherfucking blizzard

blizzard Canada
Environment Canada's Official Weather Warnings
City of Winnipeg--3:58 AM CST--Friday 31 December 2004

Blizzard conditions will continue this morning.The winter storm crossing the northern plain states yesterday Hit southern Manitoba hard. Strong northwest winds of 40 gusting to 60 km/h will continue to produce poor visibilities in blowing snow. Conditions will improve this afternoon as winds diminish.

You know it's bad when:

-"Unknown Precipitation" shows up in the forecast

-You drive to work in your crappy Ford Tempo, noticing that the only other vehicles on the road consist of 4x4 trucks, SUV's and City buses

-As you slowly make your way into work for fear that if you don't show up they'll fire you because you're only on a temporary assignment and aren't actually a 'real' or 'permanent' employee, you witness someone walking down the road in snowshoes because the snow on the sidewalks is past hip level

-Although it bothers you that some Americans tend to think that Canadians live in igloos and drive dog sled teams to the local 7/11, you realize that someone was walking to work in snowshoes in the middle of the fucking street

-That when you finally make it into work, sorels and all, you realize that you're the only one in your department crazy enough to dare go outside in this mess, nevermind drive

-That New Year's is really going to be pathetic as the weather will force you to sit at home, alone, watching your prized DVD collection of 'Jem and the Holograms' while drinking yourself stupid on bourbon

....I still can't get over that--Snowshoes! Freaking hilarious.

But on a serious note; although this blizzard isn't much fun, all that it boils down to is somewhat of a big inconvenience, which of course is nothing like what our friends abroad are facing at the moment...I've posted the link below and will also try to set it up on my sidebar for the next few weeks. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected, I send my condolences and can't begin to imagine the immense feeling of loss you must be experiencing right now.


Thursday, December 30, 2004

more random, inane biases for your literary enjoyment

Today, as per the non-existent work load I've been experiencing here for the past couple of months, I've become bored to the point of sheer madness...and we all know that when this happens, strange yet unprovoked notions begin to pop haphazardly into my brain (which of course can be quite dangerous, depending on the mood I'm in). Case in point; during one of these so-called lapses in brain stimulation, my friend and I collapsed into hysterics during a lively discussion after I yelled the following:

"So what then? Is she ALLERGIC to ABSTINENCE too? GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!!!" (I can just see the perplexed looks as you try and figure this one out).

Needless to say, I tend not to hold back whatever pops into my mind...which is why I've spent so much time thinking about:


1. Alexander
--Do I really need to explain why? Ever since I first saw the previews I knew this box office gift from hell would take a turn down crapfest lane. Colin Ferrell? That jackass couldn't act the part of an Irish alcoholic...and that's pretty bad for someone who is an Irish alcoholic. And what the hell is with that accent? Just from viewing 5 second snippets taken from the movie, I thought he was having some sort of a's like a mix between North American English, Scottish, Pig Latin and Ewok. Damn it boy, I don't know how you became so famous but you really, really suck in this movie (regardless of the fact that I haven't seen it). And don't get me started on the brilliance of Angelina Jolie. Jesus. A multi-billion dollar mess, courtesy of the "Why should I really even try anymore, I'm already rich" Corporation.

2. The Seed of Chucky
I literally collapsed into a laughing fit when this preview came up on the screen. It's supposed to be a horror movie guys, not a comedic gong show--Jennifer Tilley...what were you thinking? A good, Canadian girl, bouncing from hit to miss, to miss...and miss again. Where is your acting career taking you? I'm afraid that I expected a lot more from the sister of the girl who played Alex's girlfriend in The Big Chill--which incidently I did see and wasn't all that impressed with either. Well, when it's all said and done, at least you can say that you weren't in Alexander.

3. Napoleon Dynamite
--What the hell is this movie even about? I'm so disinterested that I don't even care to find out. It seems on the surface to be just another 'Revenge of the Nerds' attempt at taking a geeky, extremely annoying kid and making him the envy of all the cool kids at school. Truth be told, I don't even know if this is accurate, except for the extremely annoying kid part...but because there seems to be so much hype about it going on at the local video store (I'm pretty sure it spent less than a week in theatres), this is the only movie that I may possibly be wrong about (though I seriously doubt it). I'll probably end up renting it though in order to witness its awfulness unfold before me through the glory of 19 inch monovision, but hey, who knows--it may turn out to be the next cult classic.

4. Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
--Can we say 'feature length promotional video'? This so-called documentary about the trials and tribulations associated with the making of Metallica's craptacular new cd "St.Anger", no doubt features the four male 40-somethings bitching, complaining and crying "poor me!" as they roll around naked on their massive mounds of cash, accumulated of course from all of the lawsuits they've launched against 12 year-old girls for downloading their songs. Hey Metallica, here's an idea: why don't you concentrate on making good music instead of trying to cram this peanut butter and CRAP sandwich propaganda down our throats???!

5. ....this one's up to you. If you have any nominees, feel free to include them in the comments. Remember though, it must be a movie you have yet to cheating.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Christmas I like you, but I just don't love you anymore

For many reasons that I just don't want to get into, the Christmas season can be somewhat of a difficult time for me--but instead of bitching and griping about my post-holiday depression, I'm going to suck it up and try to concentrate on the bitching and griping about small, menial things in order to avoid thinking about the real, more disturbing events in my life (much like I do most of the time in this here blog). Gotta love that avoidance mechanism.

Thus (through the glory of egotism and delusion of moral superiority) is born:


1. People who give out boxes of chocolate as gifts don't really care about you. In fact, they care so little about you that they took less than a half of a second to decide the medium with which to express the magnitude of their affection. "Geez, I almost forgot to get something for Bill. I wonder if Shopper's Drugmart is open until 11 pm...?"

2. Giving out gift certificates is a valid option and in no way, shape or form does it resemble the patented last-minute 'I-don't-love-you-box-o'-chocolates'. In fact, it's about 1,000,000,000 x's better than thinking you can buy someone a gift they'll really like, when in actuality you have no clue as to the tastes of these people you pretend to know so intimately.
"Amy will just love this book detailing the cultural history of African tribes!"
"Uh...isn't Amy a white supremacist Nazi-whore?"
"Yeah. So what's your point?"

3. Singing 'White Christmas' at the top of your lungs after a drink or two is one thing. Jumping on the coffee table after 7 or 8 rye & cokes in the attempt to recreate the magic of Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby's rendition of "Sisters" with the help of your invisible friend Chet, is grounds for being committed.

4. Most people enjoy receiving Christmas cards. When the card is accompanied by a gift however, 95% of these people will barely glance at the card before throwing it out. Therefore your best bet is to forgo the gift so that the person you give the card to appreciates that you're thinking of them at Christmas, instead of contributing to their indifference.

5. Boxing day sales are a sham. Before Christmas all the stores jack up their prices, then bring everything down to regular price for Boxing day in order to claim 'unbelievable savings'. Yes, you may be able to find the odd item that is actually a good deal, however this does not excuse all transgressions with regards to robbing you blind. A satisfactory response to this pocket gouging is to do some gouging of your own--particularly in the 'eye' region.

6. Homemade presents; now this is a tricky subject--although some people relish the time and effort put into these types of gifts more so than receiving a store bought expression of love, the majority of people agree that giving someone a hand copied looseleaf manuscript of "War and Peace" is just plain cheap.

7. Making prank calls on New Year's at 5 am from a private line at the Police Station to your friends' parents pretending there's been an accident can be funny, however you may never be invited over for dinner again.

8. 'Egg Nog' is just a fancy way of saying "Pickled Embryo Cream Soup".

9. Despite what the cool kids will tell you, drinking and driving is not the best way to pick up chicks, especially if you drive a Nissan Centra Classic.

10. Regardless of how well you're doing in life, there'll always be that one relative that will find fault with you, broadcasting your failures in painfully clear, loud tones for all to enjoy in the middle of Christmas dinner.
"To answer your question Aunt Dotchester, in the past 5 years since I last saw you, I've ended world hunger, adopted 5 needy, homeless children, married a supermodel/astro-physicist and was elected President."
"Hmmm. It's too bad you never finished your Botany degree. Why is that? Are you just morally weak, or is it that you don't appreciate the sacrifices your parents made to give you an education? President is all well and good my dear, but if you can't explain the difference between a stamen and a pistil then you might as well be dead."

...and so ends my tirade.

Seriously though, I hope everyone out there had a very Happy Holiday and all the best for the New Year.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

In Memorium

In loving memory of

Curtis Appleton Landega
January 1st, 1981 - December 25th, 2000

You're in my thoughts always. We miss you buddy.
Rest in Peace.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I love how everyone always includes "Kwanzaa"

Subject: Christmas Party

December 9th...To All Employees:

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree. Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $20 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 10th...To All Employees:

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 13th...To All Employees:

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more. In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $20 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 15th...To All Employees:

I have arranged for members of Overeater's Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the ladies' toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 16th...To All Employees:

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connotation to our own little "man in a red suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 17th...To All Employees:

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


December 20th...To All Employees:

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


When I first started reading this email from one of my co-workers, I actually thought it was real--it's scary how freaking close this is to how it would really go down (at least where I work). I think the only unrealistic part is getting the afternoon off with pay...

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

a bit of Christmas cheer

I was checking out some links this morning in lieu of having anything exciting to post about and I came across this excellent rant at 'Neurotically Yours', which basically mirrors the feelings I expressed in my previous post about Christmas and our city's so-called 'Multicultural Tree'. Definitely one of the better 'essays' about the 'de-Christ-ing' of Christmas.

I found another humourous post at 'Your Moosey Fate', detailing the correspondence between the couple featured in the popular song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas", which showcases how such a situation would really turn out in modern day society.

And last but not least, for a heartfelt dose of 'the true meaning of Christmas', read over Linus's sage words at 'The Llama Butchers'. I love that Charlie Brown Christmas special. It's almost as good as getting toys like these for Christmas:
ralphie old man & leg
randy & mom flick

Personally, I'm all about the Leg Lamp--fishnet stockings included.

Too funny...

bush monkeys
Look past the picture of the big ape and you'll be able to see all the little monkeys...and here's another interesting (yet somewhat disturbing) artistic portrait.

Another day where I get paid to sit on my ass and do nothing

Because everyone else is doing it and I want to be cool...Via: Big Stupid Tommy…a nice time waster for those of you like me who only pretend to be doing something productive:

Three Names You Go By:
1. Kim
2. Kimber (the friends use this one)
3. Kimberbee (not since I was 8, thank goodness)

Three Screennames You Have:
1. rosefrost (ebay…though I'm still too freaked out on there to actually buy anything)
2. the mad sister (my current blog)
3. contumacious siren (my old website/blog)

Three Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My sharp wit. Keeps me from going insane...
2. My ability to attract freaks. It makes for some interesting situations.
3. My athletic prowress when it comes to hockey…or so I like think.

Three Things You Hate/Dislike About Yourself:
1. I tend to get really worked up over nothing. "What do you MEAN there's no more cake!!!!!????"
2. I can be somewhat antisocial when surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I enjoy conversing, but rarely seek out new people to interact with unless someone else introduces them. Gotta love that good old comfort zone.
3. I can always think of really good insults/comeback lines, but I have no guts to actually say them face to face with the person in question because I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings, even though that's obviously the ultimate goal. Case in point: The other day we waited almost 45 minutes after ordering drinks at a restaurant before our waitress came back to take our order. After she left for the second time, I dared my friend to start coughing so that if the waitress were to hear and ask "What's wrong?", I'd jump in and say, "Nothing. She's just choking on your incompetence."
I guess you had to be there…

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. Dutch
2. Scottish
3. African Sparrow

Three Things That Scare You:
1. Burning in a fire…I can't stand seeing that part from HALLOWEEN 2 where Michael Myers boils that girl's face off in the hospital. It makes me dry heave.
2. Heights--more so the 'falling' possibility than anything
3. Michael Jackson's face (shudder)

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. lip baum (it's the dry season)
2. mittens (it's also the cold season)
3. putting my ponytail through the back of my baseball cap (I asked around and apparently this drives most guys nuts--which gives me an even better reason other than personal preference to do it)

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Black dress pants
2. Blue, white and black striped turtleneck
3. my heart on my sleeve (yes, very lame. I agree.)

Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment):
1. Joan Jett
2. Rosemary Clooney
3. Live

Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present:
1. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"--Green Day
2. "Nothing to Lose"--Billy Talent
3. "Cherry Bomb"--Joan Jett

Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months:
1. Anal sex.
(LOL--just joking obviously, love that shock humour). How about spin classes? After trying on all of those 'slightly' too tight bridesmaid dresses, me thinks I'll have to hit the gym a little more often until hockey starts back up in a couple weeks.
2. I would love to go to New York--because when you grow up in Bumfuck Iowa like me, it screams excitement.
3. Shotgunning a case of beer--what could be more fun than that?

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given):
1. Honesty
2. Laughter
3. Consideration

Two Truths and a Lie:
1. I've always had a thing for Fred Savage from "The Wonder Years".
2. "Blang Blang!" was a pick-up line some guy used on me once to start a conversation.
3. My sister and I used to con my little brother into wearing a pink dress so that we could put on live performances of "Mary Poppins". We told him he was a dragon in disguise. At various points during "Supercalafragalisticexpialadocious" he'd start terrorizing and burning villages.

Which is the lie? If you guess right, I'll give you a dollar. Or a heart attack. Whichever suits me.

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex (or same) That Appeal to You:
1. Those purty eyes.
2. Nice smile--or nice teeth rather. I would never be able to kiss someone with teeth all over the place.
3. I like guys who have a nice firm booty. I find that too many men are ass-less.

Three Things You Just Can’t Do:
1. kill someone
2. immerse myself into a vat of boiling oil
3. listen to a Michael Bolton cd

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Blogging…obviously
2. playing guitar
3. buying books even though I have 10 new ones at home still waiting for me to read them

Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now:
1. pee.
2. Go home. I get sooooooo bored here. I can feel my mind slowly disintigrating.
3. Scream at the top of my lungs. I think that would raise a few eyebrows. Especially if I ran naked down the hallway while doing it.

Three Careers You’re Considering:
1. Writing--for magazines, for the paper, in book form, whatever
2. Nursing
3. Professional hoola hooper

Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation:
1. Switzerland
2. Africa
3. Yukon/Northwest Territories

Three Kids Names (that you like?):
1. Cole
2. Kael
3. Donut (who wants three kids anyways?)

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Become a successful writer
2. travel the world
3. have kids…preferably not right before I die. That would give him/her a complex.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Do you have anything in 'hussy' white?

Have you ever experienced one of those brief, ultra-surreal moments in your life that have filled you with the utmost sense of anxiety and panic, reaching new and insurmountable heights by leaving you physically drained and feeling 'weirded out'? Well for me this is the tone that demarcated my ascention from 'regular Joe from off the street' to 'regular Joe from off the street thrown into a hideous whirlwind of satin and chiffon madness'.

We went bridesmaid dress shopping last night for Charlotte.

As I approached the bridal shop, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the intense white glare emanating from the window display, not to mention the sheer silence as I stepped through the doors. It was like something out of "The Valley of the Dolls" except more intense. I was becoming so uncomfortable surrounded by pink lace and diamond-studded tiaras that I sighed out loud with relief when I finally saw Charlotte's friendly face on the other side of the room...that is, until she opened with the greeting; "Here--try this on!"

I should have been born a man--and no, I'm not saying this in a 'sexual identity crisis' type way, but in a 'I'm only going to wear a dress at my funeral' sort of manner. I don't get a lot of girly things that, according to my friends, every woman in the known universe and beyond has naturally ingrained into their DNA--such as the common idiom that 'women are obsessed with shoes'--I own 3 pairs of sneakers and 1 pair of dress shoes and I hate buying new shoes if they won't be used for sports or something related. I don't like wearing anything uncomfortable and that usually includes dresses, skirts, uber-tight clothing, high heels and thongs (sorry boys). I love beer, I will wrestle my boyfriend to the ground on a whim and I'll go so insanely berserk trying to beat you at air hockey that I'll pretty much jump over half the table to try and knock the puck in. Don't get me wrong--I'm tough, but not butch (my passport photo being the only exception). That's just the kind of person I am--I am and have always been a tomboy and I'm not going to apologize for it, regardless of how hopeless I sound when I say something like: "We're going with the 'halter' style for the tops? Um...which one is 'halter' again?" (Apparently this is akin to a guy saying, "Football? Is that the one where they run around the bases?").

Needless to say, I was out of my element. It didn't help that most of the dresses we needed to try on only came in the one size, which just so happened to be my size. So as I awkwardly stood up on the pedestal in front of the three-way mirror and twirled myself into delirium, everyone else nodded or nayed, deciding which one it would be. Actually, I have to give Larissa Charlotte credit; we were in and out pretty fast and I have to admit that overall, it wasn't so bad.

Except for the saleslady.

She was straight out of "Pretty Woman", you know, the famous scene where the shop ladies snub Julia Roberts' character because they think she's unworthy to be in their presence? Yes, yes--that's the one. I could see them snubbing me--I mean, I'm clueless when it comes to pretty things, but there was no need to go after Charlotte. You live in Winnipeg lady. How can you a be a snob when you live in a city of perpetual winter? Snowpants and Sorels don't exactly exude 'high fashion'.

Monday, December 20, 2004

"No, no, Billy--we don't call it the 'Menorah' anymore. Now we light the 'Friendship Candelabrum'."

I think the bigwigs of Winnipeg have literally gone INSANE.

In order 'not to offend' any religious minority groups, our Legislature has had its way for the past couple of years with renaming the city's public "Christmas Tree", as they felt the word "Christmas" was discriminatory to those who didn't celebrate the holiday. First it was "The Multicultural Tree", now this year it's "The Holiday Tree". What's next? "The Magical Tree of Candy and Presents"? And although a magical tree of candy and presents does sound inviting, I'm afraid I'm going to go traditional this holiday season and cast my vote with IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS, CALL IT A DAMN 'CHRISTMAS' TREE ALREADY YOU OVERPAID, RIDICULOUS, TWO-BIT, POLITICALLY CORRECT WHORES!

(I'm probably on the fast track to hell by using 'fucking', 'whores' and 'Christmas' in the same sentence, but hey, at least I'm not this sick fuck (please excuse the excessive expletives in this post, I'm just in one of those moods)).

I just can't believe the lengths these various organizations will go to in the so-called 'pursuit of equality and fairness'. The funny thing is, it's not the minority religious groups that have a problem with the "Christmas" holiday, it's usually Christians themselves who are worried about what others may think and that they'll be perceived as prejudiced or bigoted for not going above and beyond to include everyone possible in the celebration, regardless of whether or not these groups even want or care to be included. I mean, everyone has their own culturally ingrained belief system and each of us would be aghast if anyone were to try and alter it into something it's not...hence my own personal disgust over "The Multicultural/Holiday Tree". To continue the line of thinking followed in the article by Tom Brodbeck, if the Legislature were to take the Jewish festival of Chanukah and rename it something ridiculous such as "The Eight-Day Gift Exchange", there'd be riots in the streets. And who would blame them? In fact, I'd probably be there right beside them, picketing away. It's basically gotten to the point nowadays whereby initiating these futile attempts to make amends for past injustices, we've created deeper, more harmful divisions.

And that's definitely not what this season is about--be it Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever have you.

Friday, December 17, 2004

I think there was some dioxin in that stirfry...

(Phone rings)

Him: I am now the King of take-out at Mongoes Grill!

Me: Okaaay…hi to you too...

Him: You see, usually I make an exterior wall in my styrofoam container with the rice, then place the beef and the squid in the middle, pouring the vegetables and sauce overtop.

Me: I see…

Him: This however, leads to spillage as I'm driving home, because the sauce flows over the edges, due the the nonabsorbent nature of the meat and squid.

Me: But of course…

Him: But today I made a brilliant discovery--by forming the exterior rice wall in the container, then by propping up the meat as an interior wall next to the rice, I created a bowl effect for the squid, vegetables and sauce to sink into, therefore avoiding spillage and letting me carry home twice as much food! Am I good or am I good?


Him: Hey, are you there?

Me: You're insane.

Him: If insane means genius, then yes, yes I am. See you tonight?

Me: If I haven't committed you by then.

Him: Fair enough! Bye!

I wonder if Edison's girlfriend ever had to deal with this?

Repressed Childhood Memory #68...GHB, Daddy & Me

Don't stories like this just warm your heart?

Dad charged after child drinks 'date rape' drug

A Vancouver father faces a charge of criminal negligence after his three-year-old daughter became sick from drinking bottled water laced with a so-called date rape drug.

Vancouver police say the girl was playing with her older brother on Sunday when she took a sip from her 33-year-old father's water bottle.

A short while later she became sick and collapsed, prompting her mother to call for an ambulance.

According to Vancouver Police Const. Anne Drennan, that's when the dad realized what must have happened.

"After she started to get sick, the father told the mother that it was likely that she had been drinking out of the bottle that contained GHB he had brought home from the party he was at the night before," Drennan told reporters Monday.

"It is a case where people should be aware that leaving anything that can be toxic out where children are playing is always a serious risk," she said. "And in this case, it was just a completely irresponsible act that resulted in the little girl's being so ill."

Okay, so let's see if I've got this straight--it was an irresponsible act for him to leave a water bottle containing a date rape drug lying within the grasp of his young children, but the fact that he was in possession of a date rape drug in itself isn't under scrutiny? Do the police not think that a 33 year-old man returning from a party the night before with a date rape drug is just in the least bit suspicious? "Why no officer, I didn't know that GHB was an illegal substance--I simply enjoy the taste."


--"What are you in for?"
--"Well, I left a toxic substance around my 3-year old, so I'm doing a 2-year stint for criminal negligence. Got away with multiple rapes though--now hand me another peanut butter and crack sandwich."

Seriously now.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Common Sense Used by Researchers is the Leading Cause of Saving Money, Study Shows

In a 25-million dollar study released this morning by Health Canada, researchers have found that by using simple mental deduction (otherwise known as "Common Sense") as a preliminary investigative tool, it is 100% possible that the government can save millions of dollars wasted on useless medical studies.

This discovery comes only weeks after headlines such as "Stress Found to Increase Heart Attacks" and "Junk Food Really is Bad for You" hit the newstands, foreshadowing shocking realizations by the medical community that "Hey, we already knew that!"

This of course was the catalyst which propelled the initial launch of a ground-breaking multi-million dollar International research program, bringing in experts from all across the globe to search for solutions to the myriad of unanswered questions raised by this revelation. Dr. Karl Harding, head of the research team in charge of this delicate task, was the one to eventually crack the code.

"I was just sitting there watching re-runs of Seinfeld, patiently waiting for Svedlana, our Research Assistant, to return from the 3pm scheduled beer run when it suddenly hit me," Harding explained. "It was like a bomb going off in my brain--without lifting a finger and by using "Common Sense", I came to the conclusion that weight loss can be linked to depression. I immediately shared this with my colleagues and bit by bit the pieces started falling into place. We realized how many things could be explained in this manner, by using this "Common Sense", which is why we pushed to have our findings published so quickly."

Although many people are excited by this news, there are still conventionalists like Dr. Robert F. Adams, best known for his "Asthma Worsens when Patients Exposed to Excessive Smog" discovery, who believe that Dr. Harding and his team are jumping the gun and that extensive research coupled with inordinate amounts of cash is the only proven way researchers can consider potential hypotheses.

"In my professional opinion, researchers show absolutely no signs of using any "Common Sense" at all," Adams proclaimed.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Quote of the day

"Well, we're not renegotiating my uterus!"

gotta love it.

Ah marriage...the eternally binding vice

All of the sudden, I feel extremely old.

Our little Larissa (aka Charlotte) is taking the plunge and I just got her email about shopping for bridesmaids dresses next week (which I'm sure will be an adventure in itself). She's the first of my close friends to get engaged and although I'm not really surprised it happened, I'm not too impressed with the backlash:

"So Kim, now that Larissa's getting married, I guess you and Mike are next hey?"


"I hear wedding bells in your future, ha ha!"

not to mention this classic;
"You and Mike have been together for six years? What are you waiting for?"

and then there's my personal favorite;
"Hey Kim, how's it going? So are you and Mike getting married or what?"


What am I supposed to respond to these people? Yes? No? Not at the moment? Maybe someone out there can help me out on this one; when a person asks such an intrusive question, do they really expect a response? Are they actually waiting for me to step up and say something like, "You're so right! What have I been wasting my life on school and building a career for when I have a man right here willing to take me in? "--seriously now. My life does not revolve around the institute of marriage, I have no desire to become a Stepford Wife and even though I would like to be married eventually, I'm pretty sure there's no law that forces two people at the six-year mark into binding matrimony. No, I'm pretty sure I'd like to finish school and have a job before I start popping out babies, thank you very much.

(Whew. Gloria Steinem would be proud.)

Of course, this is really about Larissa' s wedding, not my perspective wedding, so I guess I shouldn't be so harsh. I just hope everything goes well for her...unlike my other friend whose mother-in-law began the wedding toast by calling her by the wrong name and which incidently, was the name of one of her son's former girlfriends. Ouch. I still can't believe that really happened. That's just one of those things you see in the movies but don't really expect to play out in real life. Oh well, c'est la vie. The only thing you can do in a situation like that is to keep the margaritas coming...

Friday, December 10, 2004

take a chance you stupid ho

I just got back from my work's Christmas luncheon and I'm extremely upset.

$8 bucks for a freaking beer? You've got to be kidding me!!!!!!! I declare shinangans on this restaurant, shinanagans!!!!

Definitely not somewhere I'll ever eat again.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The one where I look like Aileen Wournos in my passport photo...

It has been decided.

Chicago, here I come!

After much deliberation, research and unfruitful inquiries, my hockey team has finally chosen Chicago to be our tournament destination--and I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to visit Chicago; check out the sites, experience the great history, examine the architecture, become engrossed in the theatre/art community, (get tickets to Oprah) etc, etc….and so in planning for the trip--just to be safe--I thought I'd get my passport renewed since it expires this month (and the border patrol can be somewhat finicky nowadays as we all know). This therefore constitutes paying for a new passport photo and although we've all heard horror stories, my first picture was actually pretty good (what can I say; I was 17, young and vibrant…and for some reason they even let me smile for it). I therefore foolishly assumed that my second passport photo experience would be the same and so last night as I was milling about, shopping for Christmas presents, I walked into a photo shop to do the deed.

"Hi--I'd like to get my passport photo taken."
"Black and white okay? "
"Sure, I gue…"
"Um…you'll need to take your glasses off."
"And you can't smile."
"Now look at the frog on the camera…"
"Frog? I can't really see anything without…"


2 minutes later...

(that was my instinctive reaction when I was handed the results).

I seriously, no exaggeration necessary, saw my photo and recoiled in disgust. My messy-haired, unsmiling, cross-eyed, pasty-face complexion is like looking at Aileen Wournos' mug shot. You know, the dirty looking, real-life pox-faced prostitute from the movie "Monster" that went on a murder rampage? Yep, that's the one. My collared shirt didn't help. I look like I'm straight out of rehab...either that or like somebody from one of those celebrity DUI photographs where you can't even recognize the person because they look so shitty. And it's starting to freak me out that I might actually look like this on a normal basis. As though how I see myself is some distorted, dellusional fantasy that I've made up, reality momentarily exposed by the hidden powers of the 10 dollar passport photo. I really hope not--I don't think I'd be able to survive it. I'm much too vain. As Erma Bombeck put it; "When you start to look like your passport photo, it's time to go home."

Or jump off a bridge.


Wednesday, December 08, 2004



Well, it took a while, but I have now officially transferred over all of my precious LiveJournal posts to Blogger for everyone's immense literary enjoyment!--actually, I just couldn't stand knowing that my previous blogging rants were in another place, caught within the vortex of linking limitations, trapped by the shackles of black & white conformity…what can I say? My hopeless neurotic self took over, obliterating all common sense and reason…just like when I refused to use my metronome to get a particularly challenging guitar riff down because I broke the cover off of it and I have this 'thing' about not being able to use it until I've fixed it (regardless of the fact that it obviously works perfectly fine without the cover on)--any 'normal' person wouldn't even give it a second thought, laughing casually at the broken metal fragments in their hands and saying, "oh well--metronome, shmetronome", then continuing on their merry way….but it gnaws at me. Even now it's at the back of my mind--this out-dated, hand-me-down 40 year-old burgundy metronome that needs to be wound up with a key to work and that clicks slightly off beat and probably needs to be replaced--sits at home with the door cover hanging limply open, tortureously taunting me….much like the posts from LiveJournal did until I plucked them from the clutches of obscurity.

(Sometimes I wonder how I became so tragically ridiculous)


To get back to my original train of thought---so I finished transferring everything over to blogger...I know, I know; I'm a flipflopper, I admit it! I started at blogger then ever so casually jumped over to the emoti-con saturated LiveJournal, just to become frustrated enough with it to come back to the promise of a newly improved and even more user-friendly blogspot. I know LiveJournal could be better than Blogger…IF I paid for it. I know I could make a kick-ass blog/website by using Moveable Type and Photoshop…IF I paid for a hosting URL--and we all know that I'll never pay for anything. I refuse to give in to Corporate America!!!!...not because I have morals, but because I'm cheap. And lazy. Not a good combination if you want a versatile yet aesthetically pleasing site.

I have to admit, being cheap has allowed me to enjoy the task of going over all of my former posts and laughing at how insane I was on certain days or how insane situations just seemed to come up, not to mention how I somehow manage to attract cafeteria stalkers. Or guys that I want to kick repeatedly, douse in kerosene, then set on fire. I have noticed however how much more interesting my previous blogs were---I think it was due to the fact that I was a temp, so I didn't care overly much about getting fired (or dooced for that matter). I also think I was somewhat depressed about my life, school and just everything in general which always makes for some interesting comments. Overall, I think I was more flippantly free with my tongue (and no, not in a Britney Spears/Madonna type way you perverts)---so although it's not New Year's quite yet, I'm resolving to post more and to insert more of that lackluster charm that makes me so clinically insane. Yep, things are going to get interesting…now if only I was the type of person who followed through on such things...